The Importance of Sexual Discipleship™

“I don’t believe in God anymore. At least not in the God I heard about in church.” Have you heard someone you love make this statement? Have you read similar declarations from people you once admired? According to the Barna institute, this trend is likely to continue. The younger generations are asking questions their parents never thought to consider—questions about gender, happiness, what it means to be human, equality, and what is “fair.” These questions push against traditional biblical teaching and sometimes lead to “deconstructing” from Christianity.  You can find podcasts, churches, books, and conferences now organized around the trend of deconstruction from biblical Christianity. Some who have gone through this process deny God altogether while others embrace a progressive form of Christianity that rejects the authority of Scripture and the supremacy of God as Lord and King.  Perhaps the only thing more discouraging than witnessing a Christian leader fall away is watching it happen with someone you love. A child. A sibling. A spouse. I recently heard from a young man desperate to save his wife and his marriage: “After two years of marriage, my wife is questioning everything! I don’t know who I am married to anymore. We actually met at a missions conference, and our relationship has been built around God. Where do I turn for help?” While a person’s relationship with God must be personally navigated, family and friends around them can be an important piece of coming back to God within that struggle.  Here are four critical things to remember if you find yourself or someone you love in the midst of “deconstructing.”    We all regularly deconstruct.  About every other year, I read through the entire Bible. Right now, I’m in the book of Numbers. Practically every day of studying the Old Testament Law, I hit something that causes me to feel a tension. I wonder how a loving God would allow that to happen? And why did God treat men so differently than He treated women? I wrestle to understand the God of the Old Testament in light of the love of Jesus.  Events in my life also cause me to re-examine my faith. The most effective Christian servant I know is diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 50. I see a severely disabled child and wonder why God would allow such brokenness in a human life.  In psychology, we call these experiences cognitive dissonance. It is the stress that results when we encounter something that doesn’t fit with our held beliefs. Cognitive dissonance is a normal part of human life, whether you are an atheist or committed Christian. The atheist must wrestle with the evidence of redemption in a person’s life (like Kanye West), every supernatural miracle they hear about, and deeper questions about why the universe has such complexity and order. As the Bible says, all of creation declares that there is a God.  We all experience continual minor deconstructions of what we believe. The question is not whether we will deconstruct, but where we turn for truth in the rebuilding process.   Dissonance doesn’t go away if it is ignored.  Sometimes in our own anxiety, we refuse to entertain someone else’s unsettling questions. We don’t want to hear about our child’s doubts or our friend’s anger toward God. Instead of listening and validating, we tend to answer gut-wrenching questions with empty platitudes. Doing this pushes people further into the realm of doubt. If the Christians they know can’t handle their questions, then maybe God can’t either.  Job is one big study in cognitive dissonance that could have led to Job walking away from His faith. His wife likely did. Job’s friends tried to explain away the hard questions and even criticized Job for asking them. Yet God was quiet as Job wrestled, knowing that this would be part of Job’s journey toward a deeper spiritual maturity.  The best way to deal with the anxiety of cognitive dissonance is to acknowledge it and hit it head on. Instead of ignoring or explaining away dissonance, embrace it. Just yesterday, I spoke with a young woman wrestling with disillusionment with Christians. She said something like, “How can Christianity be true if the Christians are critical and rejecting while my unbelieving friends are loving and accepting?” This is a valid reason why many young people permanently deconstruct from Christianity. They care about justice and love far more than they care about theology.  We must get comfortable with these conversations instead of shutting them down with a Bible verse. People deconstruct from Christianity when their questions are continually ignored or simplistically addressed. There is a time to talk about Scripture and God’s character, but it is often after listening and simply sitting with someone’s doubts and pain. The journey may be a long one. Be committed to walking it.    Shallow theology cannot withstand deep pain.  While people have always deconstructed from Christianity (or fallen away from faith), research indicates that we are seeing an accelerated trend. Barna’s studies additionally suggest that those who fall away today are less likely to return to their belief in God in the future. While there are many factors that contribute to this pattern, perhaps the greatest is that many Christians have a shallow understanding of theology. For many, reading the Bible means snacking on devotionals that promote a prosperity gospel Jesus who wants them to find personal happiness. In order to make Christianity more attractive to seekers, pastors and writers focus on Christian positivity, ignoring any teaching on human depravity, hell, judgment, eternal life, and the holiness of God. When trials hit, it’s no wonder that Christians question what they have been taught about God.  As a freshman in college, I took an Old Testament survey class that blew my mind. I had grown up in church and knew the Bible, but had never seen how the whole story fit together before this class. The prophets and the OT Law just seemed like obscure ancient history. A gifted teacher opened my eyes to see how what I didn’t understand about God fit within what I knew about Him.  The older generation of Christians (like me!) need to learn from young Christians about love, compassion, and inclusion. But we also need to be the teachers and mentors who unfold the treasures and puzzles of Scripture that have been ignored by feel-good devotionals and sermonettes. Cognitive dissonance begs for answers. Often those answers are not explaining, “Here is why God allows pain,” but modeling how “God’s plan is much greater than we understand.”   Faith means embracing mystery.  John chapter six records a time when many of Jesus’ disciples abandoned Him. Jesus had taught something that offended them and created a cognitive dissonance that they refused to work through. Jesus turned to the twelve and asked, “Will you also leave me?” Peter replied, “Where else will we go, Lord? You alone have the words of eternal life.” In his perplexity, Peter returned by faith to what he knew to be true, with the willingness to sit with an unanswered mystery. We see similar events in the journey of Paul, John the Baptist, David, and Mary. Hebrews 11, often referred to as the “hall of fame of faith” tells of many who journeyed by faith, believing what they could not explain or see.   Christian writers like A.W. Tozer, St. John of the Cross, and Brother Lawrence are often referred to as “Biblical mystics” because they went beyond studying the words of Scripture and ventured into the mysteries of God. The Scriptures “set the table” for us to ponder and experience a God who is beyond understanding. For us to know God will ultimately mean leaving the security of words on a page and grappling with a Being who defies our own reasoning. Every one of us must continually “deconstruct” from who we think God to be in order for us to approach the mysteries of who He actually is. Discipleship means not only embracing dissonance, but at times even inviting it.  The trend of deconstructing truth is heart-breaking. None of us want to see those we love or respect reject Jesus, particularly once they have walked with Him! Yet we must recognize the opportunity to love each other in the midst of pain, doubt, and disappointment. Questions can be either the end of belief in God or the catalyst to a mature faith in Him. May we be filled with God’s grace to meet friends in their struggle and with His wisdom to remind them that Jesus alone has the words of eternal life.    Follow up: Every Christian leader must be equipped to wade into these difficult and painful waters with the compassion and truth of Jesus. Whether you are in full-time ministry or a lay leader, join us for Equip, a digital summit for those who want to have gospel-centered conversations sexual topics. Photo by Canva

Several years ago, I shared with a friend the vision of Authentic Intimacy. My friend listened patiently and then shared her honest opinion, “Why is it important to help people have better sex lives? Shouldn’t we be spending our time feeding the poor and sharing the gospel instead?” That same friend is now an avid supporter of this ministry. What changed?  Sexuality has historically received very little attention from Christians. In the wake of the sexual revolution, youth pastors and parents crafted purity messages, hoping to incentivize teenagers to save sex for marriage. This generation is now reaping the fallout of silence and simplistic approaches to the complexity of human sexuality.  You may think that sexuality is a peripheral topic, delegated to specialized ministries and counselors. In this blog, I hope to convince you that reclaiming biblical sexuality in western culture is now absolutely essential to accomplishing the Great Commission .  The core of Jesus’ commission to His disciples is two-fold: make disciples, baptized in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit (evangelism) and then teach them to obey everything I have commanded (discipleship). Individuals and ministries that are ill-equipped to enter the space of sexuality will be hamstrung in their efforts to both evangelize and disciple.   Sexuality and The Gospel I had just finished speaking at a conference in St. Louis and was exhausted. My coworker, Kristi, and I stopped at a local coffee shop to kill a few hours before our flight home. As we worked on our laptops, we could not help overhearing a very intense conversation in the booth behind us. A young woman was meeting with a mentor, sharing agonizing details about how her marriage was failing apart because of sex. After about thirty minutes, the older woman left and the young woman sat alone, still obviously emotionally hurting.  I looked at Kristi and we both knew this was a “divine appointment.” I approached the young woman and said that I couldn’t help but overhear her conversation. I briefly explained that I run a ministry helping people navigate sexual issues and asked if there was any way I could encourage her. She ended up joining us in our booth, gave us a brief rundown of her situation and finally asked the question that was on her mind. “Will I go to hell if I divorce my husband and marry a woman?”  This woman was not primarily asking a sexual or marriage question. As a lapsed Catholic, her agony was spiritual. How could she navigate her sex life in a way that wouldn’t destroy her relationship with God?  In this generation, sexuality represents one of the most pressing issues standing between people and God. Daily, we see teens and young adults walking away from the faith of their childhood over questions about sex.  Does God love trans people?  Where was God when my uncle sexually abused me?  How can I trust God when the church is filled with hypocrites and predators?  Why would a loving God give me desires that I can’t act on?  Is God a misogynist, telling women to essentially be sexual slaves for their husbands?  History has proven that Christian doctrine is robust enough to entertain every question of the human heart—even our sexual questions. However, the Church is woefully ill equipped, falling back on quoting verses without a compelling explanation of God’s heart for human sexuality. Evangelists and apologists regularly remind me that if we can’t engage sexual questions, seekers want nothing to do with Chrisianity. In his exposition of John 4, John Piper  explained that Jesus knew that “the quickest way to the heart  is through a wound.” To reach the woman at the well, Jesus had to identify the source of her thirst. In the same way, we must be ready and equipped to enter into the sexual wounds and questions as we share the Living Water with a lonely and thirsty world.  To be frank, many have experienced the Christian church as a source of deeper sexual wounding rather than a place of healing. The shame, silence and hypocrisy (not to mention the atrocities of clergy abuse) has pushed people further from the mercy of God. This will only change as God’s people intentionally push past long-held traditions and humbly step into the hurt with the hope of Jesus Christ.    Sexuality and Discipleship Jesus did not call us to make converts, but disciples. Christian discipleship means the whole-hearted pursuit of stewarding our lives under the sovereignty and Lordship of Jesus Christ.  Following Jesus goes way beyond our actions. We are new creations in Christ Jesus, set apart and called to be transformed in our thinking and desires. There is perhaps no arena in which discipleship is more necessary today than sexuality.  God created us as sexual people. He is the One who invented sexual desire, reproductive organs, and the pleasureable brain chemicals involved in sex. Although you may blush reading this sentence, can we agree that God created the orgasm? God is also deeply aware of how painful and destructive our earthly experience of sexuality can become. Yet, most Christians act as if they must manage their sexuality on their own, never thinking to integrate biblical truths in this area of their lives.  As a result,  the majority of committed Christ-followers (including Christian leaders) have no idea how to steward their sexuality. They have real-world complex questions like: Is masturbation a sin?  How do I stop looking at pornography?  Should I get a divorce if my spouse had an affair?  What is the purpose of my sexual desire as a single Christian?  Would God allow me to attend my son’s gay wedding?   How do I deal with the impact of past sexual trauma on my marriage?  If my wife never has sex with me, do I have grounds for divorce?  Do I call my niece by her requested male name and pronouns? Are sex toys OK within a Christian marriage?  I promise you that every one of these questions (and many more) are top of mind for the men and women (young and old) to whom you minister.  The good news is that you can be equipped to engage in sexual conversations! In Ephesians 4, the Apostle Paul instructed the early church on how to be unified and equipped to do the work of God. He reminded them that God had granted the members of His Body spiritual gifts for the purpose of unity and spiritual maturity. As each part does its work, we will no longer be like spiritual infants, tossed around by the thinking of our culture. This is not the work of a single ministry; it is our work together.  Jesus did not leave us alone to figure out how to accomplish the Great Commission. As with the first disciples, He promises “I will be with you always!” The Father has given us the Holy Spirit who will lead us into all truth, giving us everything we need right here, right now.      If you would like to learn more about sex and the great commission and how to address tough questions like the ones mentioned in this blog, consider becoming a member of Sexual Discipleship today!